That has been the theme of the past few weeks of my life.

No one told me.

No one told me… the past 24 months would be the hardest of my life… that three weeks ago everything would change… that today I’d be sitting on my couch in the early hours of the morning typing this post… I’d soon be changing my ‘status’ on all social networks. (you know… the one’s I rarely update!)

No one told me.

Though if they had, I wouldn’t have believed them.

Two weeks ago I had the privelage of being a guest on a podcast hosted by Callie Holland called “No One Told Me“. It’s a fun listen that I highly recommend. It isn’t hard to see why our conversation took off so quickly. Callie is pretty engaging.

The funny thing is… we recorded the podcast last fall.

And a lot has changed since then.

Let me explain.

Nearly two years ago our family was preparing for some big transitions.

Our oldest was graduating high school, planning for some big summer intern experiences out of the country and preparing to start college in the fall.

The rest of us were preparing for a move from Knoxville to Nashville where I would join the Cross Point team leading NextGen ministries. A bucket list job, for sure.

Our family (at least 4 of the 5) officially transitioned to Nashville in June 2018. By August our world started to get a little crazy.

Transitioning Teens… is NOT an easy thing to do. That first summer was difficult, for sure. Mourning the distance of friend groups left behind is a real thing. FaceTime, text and social media can only do so much to close the gap. And facing the prospect of building new friend groups just doesn’t provide the solace a parent could hope. So we started counseling.

Diagnosis #1… hit in August. We wake up to a phone call from our son’s best friend. They’re taking him to the ER. He’s pretty sick. We knew he spent the previous day in bed with (what sounded like) a simple stomach virus. That wasn’t the case at all. His body was shutting down due to ketoacidosis. Turns out the kid’s pancreas was pooping out and he would leave the hospital four days later with a bunch of needles and a lifelong journey ahead with Type 1 diabetes.

Transitioning our Marriage… was harder than anticipated. Though we are those parents who knew from the beginning that we are raising adults (not kids). And we will celebrate their transition into the world. So, when our oldest remained in Knoxville to go to college, we were excited for him. We just didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to wake up every morning without that kid under our roof. And reality was surprising.

Add to that the simple challenge of leaving a great group of friends behind to face my new role at Cross Point, helping our younger teens through the transition and supporting our oldest through some pretty significant life-events… from a distance. It took its toll on us.

Though Kyle and I are good, the season has been more difficult to summarize in this post. And, frankly, not everything is for public consumption. We’re stronger today than we’ve ever been. But the bumps and bruises to get here were a blindside.

Diagnosis #2… was a gradual head scratcher. We noticed something didn’t line up when our daughter randomly took her blood pressure. (Yes, we have a portable blood pressure cuff. Yes, I was supposed to monitor my BP b/c it had been tracking a little high… but that’s something to address later.)

When she popped that cuff on her arm and pushed the button I thought, “This BP monitor is crap!” It reads too high. Not only is she 16 years old, but she’s a swimmer too. There’s no way her BP could be that high.

Truth be told, I thought it was redemption for me because if the machine read her BP high then maybe mine wasn’t high either. It’s the BP monitor that’s the problem!! Or, so I wished.

Kyle ordered a new monitor (thank you, Amazon). Within a day the new monitor arrived where we tested my “faulty monitor” theory. Turns out I was wrong. The old one was reading as accurately as the new one. My BP was still higher than normal… but Josie’s?? We needed to figure out what was going on.

So after a series of doctor visits, tests and scans we land ourselves at Vanderbuilt with a kidney specialist. We learn our daughter has Chronic Kidney Disease and lost 75% of her kidney function. The goal moving forward is to slow the decline and retain as much function as possible before facing a kidney transplant.

Now… before you say, “Well, Gina, if you’re going to face a transplant at least it’s a kidney transplant. They do those all the time!”

Someone actually said that to me. And I know they meant well. And there are kids out there that face far more daunting things. And one day I will reach a point where I can see that perspective and share my appreciation for it. But sorry… I’m not there yet.

This is not what I imagined my daughter’s senior year would include. Facing the reality of daily meds that make you feel sick, constant fatigue, unwanted weight gain and the persistent nag in the back of the brain wondering when will I need a transplant?

Unless you’ve faced something like this… please understand it’s harder than you realize.

Things start breaking down… when pressures intensify. Although the role as NextGen leader at Cross Point was amazing, it was challenging, for sure. It’s a multi-site church with a centralized model that just needed the central support for NextGen ministries to actually BE centralized. We knew from the start that since we were building the plane while flying it, it was going to take some time.

The team is amazing, hungry and talented. The potential to bring alignment, create the central support and define NextGen ministries across all campuses was all there… and then some.

But there was something happening in me. Though the things Kyle and I faced personally were hard, I didn’t think they were affecting me profressionally. But I couldn’t see things clearly. I didn’t want to see things clearly.

The role was hard. And the pace was daunting. But I loved every minute of it. Like the mad roller coaster you never want to disembark. It’s just too fun.

Except I was becoming more and more un-fun… at home. I was distracted. My head constantly filled with the stresses and challenges of ministry. I was irritable, unapproachable and simply not present for my life.

If one thing is true about life… when you’re squeezed, what’s inside comes out.

I was being squeezed and (it seems) all that was unhealthy within me came out. My relentless drive to succeed. My need to accomplish. My internal fight to prove to myself (if not anyone else) that I am worthwhile. All of that was coming out in unhealthy ways. And those closest to me paid the tax for it.

Listening to Callie’s podcast two weeks ago felt other-worldly. Only God could know that the words I spoke six months ago would be the very words I needed to hear today. (insert sigh)

Transition my brain… to a new season of ministry. That’s easier said than done. But it was the only thing I could do. In light of everything our family has faced these past 24 months, I needed to make a change. So, I resigned my position at Cross Point.

To date, it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to face. As much as I’ve grown as a leader and as a Christ-follower, I still placed my identity in what I did… not who I am. That needs to change. And it simply couldn’t change in the midst of my role in full-time ministry.

The past few weeks have been relatively surreal. Some moments I may share in the future. Most I won’t. They’re too sacred. But today brings new challenges… and new opportunities.

No one told me it would be this hard.

But I’m often reminded (mostly by Kyle) that I’m stronger than I think I am. And seasons like this forge things within us we will never regret.

So I’m facing a new future. One I didn’t anticipate facing. But one filled with expectancy as I transition my attention to the people in my life that matter most.

You’ll hear more from me here as I start writing more. I’ll share about what lies ahead. So check back soon. In the meantime, you can always find me on the Orange Kids Podcast trying to keep from laughing too much at Mike and Kellen.